Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
