Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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