I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
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Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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