Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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