I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.