its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
