Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
