...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
