All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The beers last night were like the tears from god
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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