my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize