too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This baby is an asshole
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
