What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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