I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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