my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
