dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
And then he peed in my hair
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