Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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