it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
