I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
