Ketchup is God's man juice
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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