The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
