I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
