I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
