Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
