He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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