I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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