So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
