Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
