Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
