Betty ford says i'm here all night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
