Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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