sarcasm needs its own font
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
