So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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