At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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