So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
