Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
