From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
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I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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