soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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