I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
