I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
