Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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