He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
