walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
