just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
