i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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