barbara walters just said penis...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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