can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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