I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
