whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
