new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
50% drunk capacity currently
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
