I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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