the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
BRING THE BAGELS
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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