You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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