I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the condom got lost in my hair
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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