to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
