Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
