No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
