So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
