Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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